I know that normally the ROW80 weekend update is done on a Sunday, but I have some things to say and intend on calling an early end to the week. Next week will therefore be gifted an eighth day. I am fine with that because I have big plans.
To summarize my week I only need one word, however I will treat myself to two…
… Double Bollocks
I still haven’t managed to write a word,.I have read but a few pages, and have been in an all around daze / foul mood. Although it has certainly improved as the week moves towards its close.
I struggled to put my finger on it all for a while, and while my Rant – I should have been more specific and said personal flagellation rather than society based rant – hit on the fact that I didn’t like giving up control in a situation, or rather, being excluded from a situation that concerned me greatly, it was not the sole source of my mood.
The last few weeks at work have been busy. I have far too much to do, and not enough time to do it in. I work for a rather flat organization in terms of personal growth, and the work that I do is in no way, shape or form what I consider to be fun, fulfilling or even vaguely motivating. Having a family to feed however, I go. I give my 100% 8 hours a day and then come home. I turn off and leave the office behind. What is done is done, what isn’t done will be done tomorrow. The past few weeks however, I have tried hard to make myself a better employee. Not that I was a bad one, far from it. I give my all every single day. But I tried to be better. I logged on at home in the evenings, I had half days of holiday every day this week (from Wednesday on) but still worked bits in the afternoon and evenings. I am now sure that it is this ‘give a shit’ attitude that has caused my moods. I do not turn off, work is always on my mind; deadlines, both pending and missed haunt my every waking thought.
To a degree I am ok with that, because I am after all an adult. I have three children and a house to support, I am the sole ‘salaried’ worker at the moment as my wife is busy raising our children, and suffice to say that my writing is not yet anywhere close to becoming the reality I hope the dream will one day be. I am currently selling books at a rate of 1 a month. Hardly a retirement fund. I am sure the stress I put on myself in this area and the success I demand of myself also contributes somewhat, but those writing based foul moods are more frequent but much quicker. Lasting perhaps an hour or so.
I am to a degree willing to work like I have been. However, what do I get for my extra efforts? I am told that my extra hours – which I do not get paid for – are not believed. It was said in those very words, not even slightly hidden or less suggestive. Then, when I work from 7pm until midnight on a day that was supposed to be a vacation, having already worked most of the day, I am not told thanks or good work, but rather… ‘Make sure you do your work right.’ Which is a bizarre comment in itself as my accuracy has never been and I can assure anybody interested that it never will be, an issue.
So I am done with the new me. I will go back to giving my 100% 8 hours a day and the rest is my time. To spend with the kids, to spend on my writing. Time to drive those sales up. I mean reviews are all amazing, so it is just a promotional problem, or so I like to believe. I will spend time with my wife, and not be thinking about the next project on my to-do list. I will read and enjoy myself and not give a holy fuck about the office until the next time I set foot within its walls. Why, not only because my efforts are not appreciated, not because anything we do extra becomes automatically expected, but because quite simply… I do not give a damn.
I work to live, I do not live to work.
Ok, so this ROW80 update turned into a little bit of a rant also, but I make no apologies, and ask for no forgiveness. Not today, not after this week.