When the year started, I wanted to make a point out of watching more horror movies, and writing a few more reviews for this site. Not just because I enjoy horror movies, but I thought it would be a nice regular (ish) feature I could get going.
For my first movie of the year I chose, and feel free to question my sanity at this point already, Croczilla, an Asian movie which although it was made in 2012 could easily pass for a film much older.
The premise is simple. A crocodile farmer sells his crocodiles to a local gangster where they are to be butchered and made into gourmet meals. This is the main theme for the first portion of the movie.
One of these crocs is an 8 meter long beast by the name of ‘Amao’. We first meet Amao when he eats a young boy’s homework… yeah it started well.
Unhappy at the prospect of being turned into… well, with an 8 meter croc you could make pretty much any meal you number of meals, Amao escapes, and charges off into the wilderness beginning possible the most docile rampage ever witnessed. It can’t even wake this guy up.
Here is where we lose sight of the beast of a few while and instead meet the rest of the players in this painful game. A woman fresh from Europe, with 100,000 Euros in her bag, who after a fight with her boyfriend, finds herself stranded by the side of the road. Walking, somewhere, she finds herself in field, confronted by the giant croc who eats her bag, with the Euros and then disappears.
This is where the real ‘story’ starts, with the women, teaming up with a looser cop who name is, and I shit you not, ‘ Wong Way’ . Wong Way it turns out is also the father of the boy.
What happens next is about an hour of eye bleedingly insipid television that had me wondering what I was doing with my life. Hunting down the so called killer croc, who I should add kills nobody until the final few minutes of the film, in order to rescue her beloved Euros. The question of what she was going to do with Euros in Asia is never raised, nor answered.
Now being a horror movie, you would expect some bloodshed and carnage, especially with an 8 meter crocodile on the loose, but no. All the croc wants to do, apparently is go back to its home an lay its eggs.
After an appearance of the army which amounts to a five second scene that sees them arriving and announcing from loudspeakers mounted to their trucks that they village is being terrorized, and a few verbal exchanges that bordered on painful to listen to, a secret weapon is finally called upon.
The crocodile farmer form the beginning returns, with a big stick, and subdues the beast. Apparently a stick on the nose will halt the raging beast and turn it into a well trained puppy.
A film that was neither funny, nor scary in any way other than the manner in which it sucked, Croczilla is a movie that must be seen to be believed. It even rivals The Mangler: Reborn in terms of how much it sucked! Now that is saying something.
When you choose a movie with the name of Corczilla, you know you are not picking a movie of the year contender, however, you would expect a little bit of a rampage from the giant beast and at least a few chewed up bodies and some terrorizing, but no, that, it would appear was beyond the capabilities of the director and his production team. Luckily however, if I ever find myself in crocodile waters, or possible even alligator, one would assume, I will always ensure I have a stick handy.